Our Sweet Baby and Isoimmunization

I went for my normal check up on December 22nd and my midwife, Carrington, shared with me that they had found antibodies to the E antigen in my blood. At first I was terrified but Carrington assured me that it was something that could be monitored and that they would go ahead and set up an appointment with a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist. We also listened to sweet baby's heartbeat and that made me feel a little better.  So they set up an appointment for December 24th. Christmas Eve. And asked if that would be ok. We weren't doing anything until that night and I was eager to know what was going on so we said that we would.

So I took to googling of course. I found several articles and several pregnancy boards that helped me really get an understanding of what I was dealing with. This is what I have learned:

The development of the anti-E antibody in my blood was most likely a result of one of my previous pregnancies (Grayson or the baby I miscarried back in May). It is most likely that Brandon is a carrier of the E antigen and he passed it to one of our babies. When the baby was born - our blood mixed and my blood (since I do not have the E antigen) started producing an antibody to fight off that E antigen. The problem with this pregnancy is that there is a chance that this baby could also have the E antigen (passed from Brandon) and now that my body has produced the anti-E to fight off the E, my red blood cells could break down the baby's red blood cells and cause the baby to become anemic or jaundice. Apparently the anti-E is one of the milder anti-RH antibodies. With proper monitoring, the outcome is usually good.

So, we drove to Hickory on Christmas Eve morning. My appointment was for 10:30. We went in for our scan first (which I wasn't sure if they would do or not) but they did a full anatomy ultrasound and WE FOUND OUT WHAT WE'RE HAVING! (Yes, that was a little Christmas Eve surprise). We then met with the doctor and she said everything looks great right now but that I would come back again in 4 weeks to finish our anatomy scan (since they couldn't quite get pictures of everything at only 15 weeks). They said that I would also continue to get my blood drawn every four weeks to make sure that my titers don't rise. Basically that is the ratio of the amount of anti-E in my blood. Right now my levels are only at 1:8 but if they rise to 1:16 I will be going more frequently for scans and they will start doing Doppler scans of the baby. The doppler scans can show the rate of flow of the blood in the baby and if the blood is flowing too quickly- that indicates anemia. If the baby does show signs of anemia or hydrops, they can do an intrauterine blood transfusion (which is super freaky but also kind of amazing). We are really praying that my titers stay low and that it never becomes a concern. There is also a chance that this baby doesn't even have the E antigen. If that were the case - there would be no reason to even worry because my anti-E would have nothing to fight. But the only way to tell that is an amnio and I would rather avoid that procedure if possible.

So - here we are. I guess I have a lot more appointments in my future. Please pray for our baby. Pray that this baby does not have the E antigen at all, that I will not worry, that my titers will stay low and we will just be able to enjoy being pregnant!

My big gender reveal party is forced to be more of a last minute get-together because there is no way I can wait until late January to spill the beans. So next Saturday (January 3rd) we'll let you know! :)

Pregnancy Symptoms

Even though this is my second (viable) pregnancy - it's sometimes hard to remember the symptoms. Through this whole first trimester I was basically wishing for more obvious symptoms to reassure me that this baby was growing and healthy. I guess they are just more subtle this time. But they're there.

1. Moodiness - the reason Brandon is convinced this is a girl. With Grayson, Brandon was terrified that I would be crazy and mean but I really never felt out of sorts. But with this baby - I have had some moments where even though my rational mind knows that I am being dramatic - my emotions go from 0 to 100 in a hot second. I think I have kept it under control pretty well but there are some times that I come across pretty harsh and I know my patience is very short.

2. Round ligament pain - the random twinges and shocks in my lower stomach that make me feel like I just pulled a muscle. Sometimes it happens when I move to quickly in one direction or another and it happens LOTS of times when I sneeze.  I remember it with G but this time it is more obvious.

3. A little nausea in the evening - but really not bad compared to the first pregnancy. I remember being so nauseous for a solid 2 weeks that I was pretty miserable. This time I kinda wished I was more sick so I'd feel more convinced that I was pregnant and staying pregnant. But luckily I wasn't. Every once in a while dinner would take a back seat and then I'd wake up hungry at midnight. And other times, I felt the need to snack all day at school. But like I said - not too shabby.

4. Exhaustion - a result of pregnancy, being a mom of a 16 month old or being a teacher? I'm not really sure if it's a pregnancy symptom or just a life symptom but I am basically ready for bed at 9:00 every night.

5. Food aversions - coffee is SO good to me on a not-pregnant day but coffee is the biggest turnoff when I'm preggo. It happened with Grayson and it happened again. Although I did enjoy one good Starbucks for Thanksgiving - most of the time I can't imagine drinking the stuff. Weird, huh? I'm hoping this will go away soon and I can continue to drink seasonal decafs! Also - dinner basically never sounds good. I just force myself to eat a little and then wake up at midnight starving. It's an annoying pattern.

6. I'm cold - all the time. I kind of remember this with Grayson. Only because I am normally pretty hot-natured and towards the end I was wishing that I was still having those "cold" problems because I was constantly overheated and swollen. But for now - I am cold. I want lots of layers and thick socks and blankets. I'm not sure if that's truly pregnancy related. But I'm blaming it anyways.

7. Pregnancy brain. Jamie says she's going to write down the dumb things I say this time around. You can ask her about the things that have already come out of my mouth that make no sense. But it's true that my brain is MIA.

Rainbow Baby

On October 6th, Brandon and I went to Charlotte to see All Sons and Daughters. It was a Monday night and we were feeling adventurous going on a school night but we LOVE this group and we both thought it was worth the drive.

On the way we stopped at Chik-Fil-A for dinner.  While we were ordering, we noticed that it was raining if you looked out of the store one way and not raining on the other side. It was pretty crazy but cool.  Then we sat down to eat and we looked out the window and there was a HUGE rainbow across the sky. One of the only complete rainbows I've seen and this one was even a double (although it looks kind of faint in the picture).  As crazy at it sounds - I had read my friend Emily's rainbow baby story here a couple months before and the whole time I couldn't get it out of my head. I had thought that her story was a little too "picture perfect" and that it was kinda cheesy - but here I was praying with all my might that this was my sign.

According to the urban dictionary:
- A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.
- In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
- The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds still might be overheard as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
**Also - I know that rainbows symbolize a promise from God (even though urban dictionary doesn't have that part)

And here was my rainbow. Two days later, October 8th, I tested and it was positive. Of course I was still nervous and held back my excitement until December 2nd (when I saw my baby on the big screen) but so many times during my two months of waiting - God was reassuring me. Through times of prayer and through times of worship - I kept feeling that this was my rainbow. Although my faith was sometimes weak - God keeps His promises.

Our First Ultrasound

I waited for this day forever. At least it seemed like forever. We found out we were pregnant on October 8th and didn't have our first ultrasound until December 2nd. And I didn't let myself get overly excited until I saw that sweet baby on the screen. Isn't our baby so precious?

I think I took more in on this ultrasound than I did with Grayson. Our technician knew about our loss back in May so I think she took a little more time showing us around our new little human and pointing out the amazing things that you can see at just 12 weeks. We saw the hands, the heartbeat, the eye sockets and we could even see the two hemispheres of the brain! It is amazing to me how detailed and perfectly created our baby is even at only 12 weeks past conception. (Really only 10 if you know how counting pregnancy weeks works).

The other really cool thing she did was to measure our baby's foot.  You could clearly see the bottom of the feet so she measured them and they were an amazing 7 mm long.  Isn't that cool? I immediately wanted to find a ruler to see exactly how sweet and tiny my baby's feet are.

What better way to prove God's almighty power and creativity than through his development of babies in their mother's womb. I love being pregnant because I'm just in awe of how God can design something so incredibly perfect.  That our cells would divide and multiply in just the right way to create a seeing, feeling, speaking, hearing, loving, and understanding person inside of me. We are so blessed.

10 Year Celebration at Cornerstone Summit

It's almost here! Cornerstone Summit is celebrating 10 years as a church in Boone this weekend! I can't believe that Brandon and I have been there for almost 7 of those. If you know me, you know I love my church. I love the people, I love my pastor, I love the worship and I love the way that it has been a place for me to grow in the last 7 years. What a joyous time Sunday will be!

I've heard from people that are in different churches now all over Boone and many people who are outside of Boone that they are coming to join us on Sunday! I can't wait to see the people that have been a part of my faith journey and I can't wait to celebrate that Cornerstone was a part of all these people's lives, even if, for some, it was just for a season.

This weekend I'm celebrating these awesome things God has done in my life since 2007. And I can't wait to celebrate with the people who have walked me through these things!

- We started attending Cornerstone in the Spring of 2007
- I joined praise team in 2007
- Brandon got saved in 2008
- We traveled to Mexico in 2008
- My best friends became my best friends in 2008
- Brandon and I went through a couples small group in 2008
- We got engaged in 2009
- We received marriage counseling in 2009 and 2010
- We went back to Mexico in 2009
- We graduated in 2010
- We got married in 2010 (and Pastor Reggie married us!)
- Brandon went to Mexico in 2010
- We went to a midnight prayer service in 2011 in Toledo and then on a spontaneous trip to Chicago with some of our best friends
- I got my teaching job in 2011
- We built our house in 2012
- We had our son Grayson in 2013

I just can't express how all of these life moments involved my church family. Those people are the ones I run to first, the ones I tell my secrets and fears.  I was in their weddings and they were in mine. They were there at our birthday parties, wedding & baby showers, the day we found out Grayson was a boy and they are most of whom I send my Christmas cards. There is so much to a church family. And I'm so thankful that mine is Cornerstone Summit.


And here are some old blog posts that talk about my awesome God and my awesome church family.

Wide Open Wednesdays
He Keeps Working!
Goals for 2012
One E-mail...
Our Pregnancy Story
My Church

Grayson at 15 months

Oh my sweet boy. You are growing too fast. 

Here are your favorites and not-so-favorites at 15 months:

Favorites:

Foods - any type of bread or crackers: toddler muffins, pancakes, goldfish, grilled cheese

Songs - anything you can bounce too, you love to hear people singing and will clap along especially when mommy is watching dancing with the stars

Toys - you love sitting on your boat from mimi and pa pa but more than anything you love books. you bring them to us constantly and point at each of the pictures. it is one of the only times we can get you to sit in our laps for a few minutes. you also love things that roll and love to make the sound effects of cars and any toys that make music or noise, remotes, Layla's toys, blankies

Words - uh oh, bu (for books and everything else), ball, mama, dada, Layla (sounds more like aya - and it applies to any dog), hot, bite, wa-wa (for water and milk and any other liquid)

Sound effects - "raaaar", boat noises, spitting, and a weird thing you do trying to make the "L" sound

Places to be - the bathtub, outside, held upside-down, in your crib at bedtime (thank the Lord for this one!)


Not-so-favorites:

Foods - any type of meats or potatoes

Noises - vaccuum cleaner, Layla barking and scaring you, doorbell (because it makes Layla bark and scare you)

Places to be - high chair, car seat, held by mommy or daddy (you want to go-go-go)

Other things - giving "love" (we have to force you most of the time), getting locked out of places (like the bathroom), being left at nursery at church, new people holding you

May 9, 2014

I didn't write about this for a long time. It's hard to talk about something when you're so close to it. And I didn't want everyone knowing. Especially since we hadn't made any announcements that I was even pregnant. But I want to remember so here it is.

We found out on March 8th that I was pregnant again. We had been careful all but once and I guess that once was enough. After waiting a while, I realized it was finally time to take a test and see if I was indeed pregnant. It was so different than Grayson because with him I had been waiting and waiting on a positive test but with this one - I was just all of a sudden pregnant.  We were excited. Really I was more terrified and Brandon was telling me it would be great. I just wasn't sure if I was ready for Grayson to be my big boy - he was still my baby.

We scheduled an appointment for around 8 weeks and got to have our first ultrasound. They figured out our due date was November 18th and she let us listen to the heartbeat. I was pretty excited during that appointment but afterward - something happened that made fear start to creep in.
As we were leaving our appointment - the ultrasound tech pulled my midwife, Carrington, aside to "tell her something" and then a couple minutes later - Carrington came back and said we will schedule another ultrasound at 12 weeks. Just the exchange and how she decided to do another ultrasound after she talked to the tech made me uncomfortable.

So I took to facebook and Carrington assured me that they can't tell anything this early and that I shouldn't be worrying about it. I still don't exactly know what they saw that made them question my baby's livelihood but obviously they were right.

Over the next four weeks - I tried not to be fearful. I tried to imagine my baby moving and healthy. But I did not really have strong morning sickness (or all-day sickness) like I did with G. We did go ahead and buy a toddler bed from someone off craigslist because we knew eventually we'd be putting two beds in G's room. We still told some friends and family and we got excited.

Then the day finally came. Tuesday, March 6th. I was so excited to finally get to see our baby again and just have the peace and reassurance that everything was fine. But when the ultrasound tech couldn't find the heartbeat I knew it wasn't ok. I remember telling God that He was still God no matter what came of this appointment. And now I was going to have to live it out.

The ultrasound tech never really said anything. She tried to sound normal when telling me to "get dressed and we'll go talk to Carrington." I didn't want to make things more awkward because I knew she wasn't really supposed to say much but I wanted to scream at her "Where is the heartbeat?" "Why didn't you let me hear the heartbeat?" but I knew the answers. We had to sit back in the waiting room which was not cool when my emotions were flying high. They finally called us back to talk to Carrington and she just said "You know already don't you?" and I said "yes."

At first I thought I could be strong as she talked about what we would do next, but then the tears came as a flood and the sadness was overwhelming that I wouldn't have my sweet November baby. She decided to let me think on it - if I wanted to try to let the miscarriage happen naturally (even though my sweet baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and I was supposed to be at 12 weeks) or to go ahead with a D&C. I called a friend who had went through a similar situation and her advice was overwhelmingly to have the D&C. She didn't have that option because it was so fast for her and she wishes she didn't have to go through it. So I called Carrington back the next day and told her I wanted to schedule the D&C and get it over with. It didn't feel right carrying around a dead baby in my belly.

So I had the D&C Friday. It was not as terrible as I had imagined (although the cost was pretty surprising). The recovery really wasn't as bad physically as it was emotionally. Brandon took me to the surgery and stayed until it was over and then my best friend, Heidi, took care of me that day and we just hung out and rested. That night, we went to my sister's graduation and it was kind of nice being around people who were clueless about what had happened that morning. And it was nice to celebrate something instead of just mourning.

Looking back, I know I can see God's hand in all of it. Although it would be nice to not go through terrible things like that - I am thankful for God's grace. He kept me from falling even more in love with a baby that couldn't survive in our world. I think about the babies that are stillborn or born prematurely and don't survive or the children who die so young and I don't see how their parents survive and still love Jesus wholeheartedly. They are so strong. This loss also was soothed by having my sweet Grayson. I am still a mommy. I don't have to question if I will ever have a child or hold a baby in my arms. I have my son. I have amazing friends and family and Brandon and I were able to do things this summer and fall that we might not have had as much confidence to do if we were thinking about adding another to our family.

I do see God's goodness. I could be bitter and angry but it wouldn't bring back my sweet November baby. No "good things" could outweigh getting to meet that baby. But God is still good.