May 9, 2014

I didn't write about this for a long time. It's hard to talk about something when you're so close to it. And I didn't want everyone knowing. Especially since we hadn't made any announcements that I was even pregnant. But I want to remember so here it is.

We found out on March 8th that I was pregnant again. We had been careful all but once and I guess that once was enough. After waiting a while, I realized it was finally time to take a test and see if I was indeed pregnant. It was so different than Grayson because with him I had been waiting and waiting on a positive test but with this one - I was just all of a sudden pregnant.  We were excited. Really I was more terrified and Brandon was telling me it would be great. I just wasn't sure if I was ready for Grayson to be my big boy - he was still my baby.

We scheduled an appointment for around 8 weeks and got to have our first ultrasound. They figured out our due date was November 18th and she let us listen to the heartbeat. I was pretty excited during that appointment but afterward - something happened that made fear start to creep in.
As we were leaving our appointment - the ultrasound tech pulled my midwife, Carrington, aside to "tell her something" and then a couple minutes later - Carrington came back and said we will schedule another ultrasound at 12 weeks. Just the exchange and how she decided to do another ultrasound after she talked to the tech made me uncomfortable.

So I took to facebook and Carrington assured me that they can't tell anything this early and that I shouldn't be worrying about it. I still don't exactly know what they saw that made them question my baby's livelihood but obviously they were right.

Over the next four weeks - I tried not to be fearful. I tried to imagine my baby moving and healthy. But I did not really have strong morning sickness (or all-day sickness) like I did with G. We did go ahead and buy a toddler bed from someone off craigslist because we knew eventually we'd be putting two beds in G's room. We still told some friends and family and we got excited.

Then the day finally came. Tuesday, March 6th. I was so excited to finally get to see our baby again and just have the peace and reassurance that everything was fine. But when the ultrasound tech couldn't find the heartbeat I knew it wasn't ok. I remember telling God that He was still God no matter what came of this appointment. And now I was going to have to live it out.

The ultrasound tech never really said anything. She tried to sound normal when telling me to "get dressed and we'll go talk to Carrington." I didn't want to make things more awkward because I knew she wasn't really supposed to say much but I wanted to scream at her "Where is the heartbeat?" "Why didn't you let me hear the heartbeat?" but I knew the answers. We had to sit back in the waiting room which was not cool when my emotions were flying high. They finally called us back to talk to Carrington and she just said "You know already don't you?" and I said "yes."

At first I thought I could be strong as she talked about what we would do next, but then the tears came as a flood and the sadness was overwhelming that I wouldn't have my sweet November baby. She decided to let me think on it - if I wanted to try to let the miscarriage happen naturally (even though my sweet baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks and I was supposed to be at 12 weeks) or to go ahead with a D&C. I called a friend who had went through a similar situation and her advice was overwhelmingly to have the D&C. She didn't have that option because it was so fast for her and she wishes she didn't have to go through it. So I called Carrington back the next day and told her I wanted to schedule the D&C and get it over with. It didn't feel right carrying around a dead baby in my belly.

So I had the D&C Friday. It was not as terrible as I had imagined (although the cost was pretty surprising). The recovery really wasn't as bad physically as it was emotionally. Brandon took me to the surgery and stayed until it was over and then my best friend, Heidi, took care of me that day and we just hung out and rested. That night, we went to my sister's graduation and it was kind of nice being around people who were clueless about what had happened that morning. And it was nice to celebrate something instead of just mourning.

Looking back, I know I can see God's hand in all of it. Although it would be nice to not go through terrible things like that - I am thankful for God's grace. He kept me from falling even more in love with a baby that couldn't survive in our world. I think about the babies that are stillborn or born prematurely and don't survive or the children who die so young and I don't see how their parents survive and still love Jesus wholeheartedly. They are so strong. This loss also was soothed by having my sweet Grayson. I am still a mommy. I don't have to question if I will ever have a child or hold a baby in my arms. I have my son. I have amazing friends and family and Brandon and I were able to do things this summer and fall that we might not have had as much confidence to do if we were thinking about adding another to our family.

I do see God's goodness. I could be bitter and angry but it wouldn't bring back my sweet November baby. No "good things" could outweigh getting to meet that baby. But God is still good.