Sick Day

I can not remember a time where I was as sick as I was last night. I was up all night in the bathroom with some kind of stomach bug or food poisoning. But regardless - it was awful. I wondered at about 3:00am if I should just go to the ER because there had to be absolutely no water left in my body. Luckily at about 3:30, my stomach stopped churning long enough for me to rest a little and I think I only got up once or twice between 3:30 and 5:30 but I was still needing to take the day off.

Taking a day off of school is just as much work as staying at school. (Maybe that's a slight exaggeration - but only slight) I texted my awesome co-worker Misty and although she was willing to help gather all the things and help me - I realized that it was virtually impossible. So at 6:15am - I decided to drive to school - hoping I would make it without needing a trip to the bathroom.  I was also hoping that I wouldn't see anyone because I was in my glasses, sweats, and I looked all kinds of terrible. Luckily I slipped into my room, typed my plans, printed my plans, and set out the days materials and was back out of the building by about 7:15.

After I got home - we decided to send Grayson on to Mrs. Sam's (his AMAZING childcare provider) even though he has a little cold. And back to bed I went. I just woke up a few minutes ago around 12:00. My tummy is a little rumbly but I'm managing to get down some gatorade and crackers.

Needless to say - I'm home alone for a sick day. Although being sick is terrible - it's kind of nice to be sitting at home alone for a few minutes. I can't remember the last time I was in my home alone for longer than a couple minutes to get something done while G is at mom's house.

So I'm taking to blogging. I hardly ever have time to sit down and type but today I do. Maybe I'll write a few more.

Summer's Over and its a Sad Day

Sometimes you just have them. Not that today has to be a lost cause because I did have some really good moments today. Breakfast with my best friends (the Boone ones) and going to lunch with my husband. There are good things about this day. But Summer's over and today is a sad day.

Sitting on my couch right now, I just need a moment to be sad. I need a place to let it out whether anyone cares to read this or not. Two of my favorite people in the world now live in Charlotte. That's 2 hours away. I'm not ok with this. I'm so sad. And tomorrow I have to go back to work. After a beautiful wonderful summer with everyone in Boone and long easy days with Grayson, I have to leave him every morning and hope that someone else does a great job of teaching him most of what he will know.

I don't want to hold back the people I love. I don't want me being sad to make them feel sad.  Of course I know that Jamie is going to be an amazing accountant. She already has the cutest apartment in the world, lives in a safe place and has a POOL! She has already got involved with her church and is loving it and is also getting to spend time with our family in Charlotte. I know she's going to have an amazing year (or five), get lots of cool presents from her office, and still come see us all the time. Christi is going to fall in love with a bunch of 9 year old kids (and hopefully a guy) and she's going to find a church to keep growing in and new coworkers to subtly preach to just by being like Jesus. She will keep laughing all day and (hopefully) telling me the funniest things her students say. She will keep running and group texting and I'll barely even know she's 2 hours away.

BUT, what I really want is my sister to be across the yard. I want her to walk into my house without knocking because she knows that makes Layla go crazy. I want the one who doesn't mind to go to Walmart with me when I just want company. I want Grayson's Aunt Jamie to be the one spoiling him all the time. I want us to work on craft projects together and I want her closet to pick through. I want her telling me she's going to get Grayson from nursery and leading worship at our church. I want Christi five minutes down the road. I want her telling me that Grayson is the cutest baby all the time (even though she says that about all the cute babies). I want her encouraging me and always meaning it. I want her to jump at any mention of a fire and s'mores. I want to meet her on the greenway after work for a run and her telling me I'm superwoman for pushing the jogger 5 miles.  I want to snuggle on each other's couches and go sledding on snow days.
And tomorrow I want to wake up with no alarm clock - just the sound of my baby's first whimpers that he needs me.

I know I should be enjoying today. But right now, as Grayson is napping, I think I deserve a good cry. I will cry about it and then I'll pick myself up and enjoy my last day.

I know it will be an awesome year. There will still be football games with my best friends, tailgates, and LOTS of weekends where Jamie and Christi will drive up for the weekend or Grayson and I will drive down.  Grayson will enjoy being with Mrs. Sam and the other kids and will learn so much from them. I will still have the most wonderful evenings and weekends watching Grayson play, singing and reading to him and enjoying a bath and bedtime routine. We will enjoy holidays traveling to visit families and snow days snuggling at home. I will fall in love with 22 precious kids and even on the days they drive me crazy, I will be so glad that I get to be their teacher.

Sometimes it's weird going through transition. You don't want to feel hopeless and you don't want people to think the world revolves around you. You kinda feel like you should just smile and pretend you're ok - or just actually be ok. It's not that big of a deal right? But then - your mind starts going and you can't help it. Better just to get it out right? I really don't know. But that's just that.

Grayson's First Birthday

Summer Life

I am loving it. Home with my boy. Trips without too much to worry about. We're having the best time. The only thing that would make it better would be Brandon being home all summer with us.

So we've been trying to get into a bit of routine since being home from the beach. I love being home but I love being out and about more. So Monday we visited friends and yesterday we played in the blow up pool, went to the library and then ran a few errands. Today we went to the park for mommy to run and Grayson to swing and we may just stay in this afternoon cause it looks like rain.

I'm loving the chance to do things that I've wanted to do all year and haven't had the chance to do but I also want to make sure I maximize my time with Grayson and do fun things with him too.

Right now our summer schedule looks something like this:

7:00 - Grayson wakes up, has a bottle (which I'm supposed to be breaking him from)
7:30-8:30 - Grayson plays in his room while mommy cleans up (dishes, laundry), has coffee and gets Grayson in his day clothes
8:30 - Running for mommy and stroller riding for Grayson
9:30 - Back home for breakfast
10:00 - nap time for G, shower and project time for mommy
11:30ish - Go time with G. Library, pool, park, friend time, shopping, who knows what we'll find to do.
12:30 - lunch for G
3:00 - bottle & short nap
6:00 - dinner
8:00 - bath every other night
8:30 - bedtime

So basically our mornings are kinda scheduled and then our afternoons are pretty flexible on if we go and do something or stay and play at home. I have a feeling that his morning nap will be kinda sacred to me.

My Church

The start of this year has put my church on my mind almost non-stop. I think it's because I really do feel things shifting. We have not been perfect but we have always loved people and worked hard to make sure people know that. I just have to say that I love my pastor and I love my church now more than ever.

Brandon and I started attending Cornerstone Summit in 2007. We started dating the year before and had attended the church I grew up in but had been feeling like we needed to find a place where we could connect with more people our age. We found Cornerstone Summit quickly and I remember lifting my hands in praise and really engaging with people from day 1. Although it was a totally different church culture than Brandon and I grew up in - something kept us going back.

It was that year that I met my best friends. I found people that I would live with, have Bible study with, and take vacations with. I met people who would be in my wedding and I would be in theirs and people who would visit us the day Grayson was born.
If you take Cornerstone Summit out of the equation - who would I be today? Where would I have spent all that time? Yes, it's been a lot of time and energy and sometimes there were frustrations. But it made us who we are and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Since then I have attended conferences, traveled to other countries, and went out of my way to serve other churches or groups through worship and volunteering. I have seen people healed and lives changed and I have grown in my faith in ways that I couldn't imagine. I don't want to forget these things. The ways that I have truly been blessed by Cornerstone Summit and by my Pastor. And I don't doubt that the next seven years will bring more of the same. It has to. It's just who we are. We will keep growing and moving forward!

This year the leaders have really committed to the church moving forward and not dwelling on the past. Yes, there have been mistakes. Yes, there have been things that should've been done better and it's not like the leaders want to pretend it never happened - it's just that there's more important things to be done.
My Pastor has a heart like no other. He will love people through anything and he has such a strong desire to see the people of Boone impacted for the greater. He has poured into so many people - some personally and some without ever even knowing that he made a difference in them.  I'm so excited to get to see him continue to grow this year. And I'm so thankful that he never gave up. Some people have. Some people have moved on because it was easier and even at times I've wondered why I don't just take the easy route and go somewhere else where I don't have to help do the work. But that's not what Jesus did - He put His hand to the plow and did things no one has ever done before. And that's not what my Pastor has done. He has pushed through obstacles and never stopped working and serving. I'm so humbled and grateful to know him.

So that's where I feel like I'm at. I was called to Cornerstone Summit in 2007 and I'm called to Cornerstone Summit now. I'm supposed to be leading - putting my hand to the plow and helping to establish the Vision of our church in Boone. It's not a quick and easy thing for our church to really get things put in place but we are starting. Don't doubt that. The leaders are working hard and their hearts for people and their passions to see our church and our community grow is enough to stir others' faith to get connected and stay connected. We are going to do great things this year and on into the future. My prayer is that no one will miss the opportunities to meet their best friends, their spouse, the people that will love them and see them through the greatest and hardest times of their life. Because that's what Cornerstone Summit is about.

Heart of Gratefulness

Sometimes I struggle with this. I get wound up in life and get stuck in a rut of feeling entitled. I feel like I'm on the losing end and people and things are not living up to the standards I have created for them. Like my phone for instance. The screen is broken and half the time I try to push a letter to text someone - it enters 5 letters instead. Or it calls someone without me even pushing one button and trying to hit the end button is another story all together. I know this is a silly example but it really does get me all excited and agitated and I feel as though it's just not doing it's job.  I totally forget the part where I should be grateful to have a phone, to have people that I need to text or call, or that I have the ability and the money to get it fixed. There are so many things I need to be grateful for and little silly things are stealing my joy because I'm forgetting to prioritize my focus.

This year Brandon and I set some goals. One is that I want to blog more. I know we make resolutions that half the time we don't keep or we only do for one solid month but it's on the list so I'm going to try. We also have on the list: reading the Bible to our sweet baby boy and praying with him before bed, following a devotional book together, eating and exercising, eliminating some of our debt, giving more, writing and recording some music, and a few others.

Today I'm also going to add gratefulness. It's not a goal that you can measure tangibly. I can't easily check it off day by day to know that I'm actually accomplishing this goal. But this year I want to be someone people turn to for a smile or encouragement because they know that's who I am. I don't want to be a complaining magnet or a stirrer of the pot of frustration. If I'm honest, right now that's where I feel like I am. But I'm going to choose joy and I'm going to choose gratefulness. And this blog will be a part of my accountability. Because this year, as I try once again to get back into blogging, I want to write relevant things that encourage people. I want everything I type to be just be part of the overflowing of a heart of gratefulness.

Grayson's Birth Story

Well, I've been thinking about blogging for a while now but it just seems like there are always things to do. Feeding every couple hours, cleaning (cause I just can't help it), resting, trying to figure out health insurance, and mostly just spending time with family and friends. But right now I'm going to take a few minutes to type out Grayson's birth story.

It already seems fuzzy, even after just one week. Brandon was showing me a few pictures yesterday that he took while I was in labor and it definitely feels like someone else went through all that and not me. When you're in labor, you just have to detach yourself from the world and focus on one thing: getting through each contraction. But back to the beginning.

I went in on Wednesday, July 17th for my regular appointment and my blood pressure was high. I think it was high because I knew that I was going to let Carrington (my midwife) sweep my membranes, which I was hoping would trigger labor. I knew it would be uncomfortable and I was also excited about having my baby soon. But she checked my blood pressure again and it was even higher and that made Carrington a little nervous. She told me that she would go ahead and sweep my membranes and if I wasn't in the hospital in labor that night, that I needed to come back with Brandon with our bags packed and have my blood pressure checked again. If it was still up, she would be sending me to lunch and then to the hospital.

Wednesday night I had some mild contractions. I walked and tried to get things going but other than feeling crampy and not sleeping well, nothing serious was happening. So we packed our bags and the carseat and got ready to go.  I remember telling Brandon that after all this, if my blood pressure was down and we were told to wait, I would probably be disappointed. I was just so ready to meet my son.

So we headed to Harmony and my blood pressure was still high. Carrington had talked to Dr. Womack and they had agreed that it would be best for me to go ahead and get induced. I had talked to a couple friends and although having pitocin really worried me, I still felt confident that I could go through with the non-epidural birth that I wanted. I wanted to do it because I knew I could and because I really felt that the recovery would be easier if I could get up and move around, and because I REALLY didn't like the thought of a needle going in my back or not being able to feel my legs.

We called the family and friends that were planning on being at the hospital and told them we would call again for them to come when we were settled. Brandon and I were told to meet Carrington at the hospital at 12:30 which gave us time to go grab lunch. I picked chik-fil-a and we headed there. It felt so surreal knowing we were headed to the hospital to have our baby. We actually ended up getting to the hospital at around 12:00 because we just couldn't wait. It took a while to get checked in and up to our room. Per my birth plan - I got a room with a tub!! Exciting right? NOT. I couldn't get in due to pitocin. They did, however, put portable monitors on my belly so I could walk around and get in the shower.  I got hooked up to the monitors, was asked a billion questions and then she finally started my IV (which was just fluids) and then FINALLY at 2:00 they started the pitocin. I was just ready to get going.

This is where I only know times and the process because Brandon and I wrote it down as best we could remember the next day.  I didn't really feel any contractions for a long time and they upped the dosage every half hour. My family came around 4:00 and I started feeling them a little bit. Then Brandon's family arrived at about 4:30 and I was having to walk around and breathe through contractions. At 5:00, Carrington came back to check on me and she said that I was now dilated to 5 cm! I was pretty excited and she told me I had two options: we could either stop the pitocin, let me rest and start again in the morning, or she could go ahead and break my water and it would be go time. I didn't see the point in starting over, so I told her to go ahead and break it.  Breaking the water didn't hurt at all but it DEFINITELY got things going. After that I had to work through every contraction and I was starting to feel a little miserable. Sometime during this time, Joy (one of my great friends and my "support" person during labor) suggested I get in the shower just for a change of pace. I'm not sure how long I was in there but it seemed like a long time.  At this point, it was just Brandon, Heidi (my best friend) and Joy in the room which was good because I had lost all dignity and was just walking around without clothes on.  The worst part was getting out of the shower because my IV fell out. Heidi assured me it was ok (she's a nurse and knows these things) but I was mad cause I knew they'd have to put me back in bed and stick me again (IV's in the side of your wrist are not comfortable)

At 7:00, Carrington came back and checked me and I was at 7 cm. I was glad to know that I was actually progressing but even as everyone cheered my progress, I was wishing that I was at 9 cm. Not long after Carrington kicked everyone out of the room and had me "focus" which meant that I had to sit on the toilet and rock through contractions or squat on the bed. Both of these hurt tremendously but she assured me that they made things progress more quickly and it really was a good thing so I just pushed through each one. Brandon was absolutely amazing through all of it. He encouraged me to drink water, put the fan in my face when I wanted it and took it away when in the next 10 seconds I said I didn't want it. He asked questions for me and just encouraged me the whole time that I was doing a great job and that I could do it. I do remember thinking at about 8:00 that Grayson would definitely be born on the 18th. I was wrong of course but I remember thinking "There is no way I will make it through 4 hours of this."

Around 10:00 I was almost to 10 cm.  Carrington ended up having me "push" to try to get from 9 cm to 10 cm while she tried to move the last part of my cervix out of the way - OUCH. Once I got to 10 cm I was apparently swollen from pushing and she had me breathe through some contractions before we started the real pushing.  "Breathing through contractions" and not pushing was hard and way more painful.  Finally around 10:45 or so, she told me I could start pushing.  I wanted my mom and Brandon's mom and Joy and Heidi to be there and Carrington said normally that was too many but they would make it work so they started clearing the room for everyone to fit. But she wanted me to push a bit and get going before we brought everyone in. At this point, I pushed for two hours. We tried every position possible and it was hard work. I really felt like I was doing good pushing but he just wouldn't budge. At around 12:45 Carrington left the room for a "bathroom break" where I think she really may have been consulting with Dr. Womack. She came back in and checked me one last time and told me she thinks the last thing we could try was doing an epidural and seeing if this relaxed me enough to bring him down. She said she knew I didn't want to do pain meds, but at least the epidural would be there in case I did end up having to have the c-section.

After 2 hours of pushing, pain, and exhausting every muscle in my body, an epidural sounded great. What was not so great was how long it took Dr. Fisher to arrive. Those 15 minutes of continuous contractions (they had upped my pitocin to help strengthen my pushing) was the worst pain I had ever felt. I remember up until this point I had done a good job of maintaining control and relaxing through the contractions and trying all the things I had read about, but at this point I thought I was going to die.  I started whimpering but my nurse was amazing and helped keep me focused on getting through each one. Finally at around 1:00 am, Dr. Fisher arrived and I got the epidural. It actually didn't hurt AT ALL and the contraction pain started to subside. A few minutes later Dr. Womack came in and checked me to see what she thought.  She said that I could push if I wanted but that she really thought that it wasn't going to help and that it would be better to go ahead and do the c-section while Grayson's stats were still good and mine were too. I said "ok" because I trusted them and I was just ready to be done. So Dr. Fisher came back and pushed new "faster" meds into my epidural and they getting me ready for surgery. Brandon left to tell everyone what was happening and to get in his "HazMat" suit.

At this point, I wasn't even scared. I had always had a fear of having a c-section and major surgery and yes, it wasn't ideal, but I think it helped that it wasn't an emergency and I knew I was finally about to have my baby.  They prepped me and Brandon and I waited patiently behind the curtain listening to every sound around us but also trying to stay distracted. It felt so weird being able to feel everything they were doing but also not feeling any pain. Finally they said that I would feel some pressure and then they started talking about his big head and then we heard him cry. It was amazing. They talked about how they thought he had to be 8 or 9 lbs and then held him up for us to see. Brandon got to go over and watch him get cleaned up and I could see him from where I was laying. He ended up only being 7 lbs 13 oz even though Dr. Womack and Carrington couldn't believe it. Then they brought him over to me and let me touch and kiss his little cheeks. He was so precious and perfect and I still didn't feel like that could possibly be my baby, the one who had kicked and hiccuped and lived inside of me for 9 months.  I told Brandon to go with Grayson and he headed out to show him off through the nursery glass while they finished up my surgery. The c-section went so fast compared to everything else.  They wheeled me back to the room and finally brought me my baby. He started nursing immediately and our family and friends got to come back a few at a time to see him. It wasn't until about 4:00 in the morning that we actually laid down for some rest but it was the perfect ending to a long night.

Grayson Sheppard Hall was born at 1:36 am on 7-19-13 weighing 7 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. He is perfect and even though it ended differently than I expected, it was still an amazing experience.

And here are a few pics....

 packed and ready for the hospital

Headed in!

Checked in and waiting to get started

feeling pretty miserable during labor

 

dressed and ready to head to surgery

a little nervous waiting on our baby to be born

our first family picture

kisses for my sweet son

daddy showing off our baby

 all our friends and family excited to finally see Grayson

finally getting to hold and nurse my sweet baby boy